my major dilemma

hye assalamualaikum,

have u ever felt jealous with people around u ? close friends ? atau ,,,,,,,adik beradiiiiik ? *baca dengan nada suspen* JENG JENG JENG ...

typicalnya aku ni , di mana rasanya very obvious , aku mcm ada la rasa sedikit kebelakang *bnyk sebenarnye*drpd kakak aku . nak ckp jealous tu dulu laaa . now bila aku mcm dah matang i tried to install the word jealous differently dlm otak . something more positive . like , rasa tercabar or something . nak sahut cabaran tu mcm mmg impian setinggi langit la kan . because secara rawaknya ( ape maksud rawak ? suke hati aku je ) kakak aku mmg always , u know , everything yg syok2 mesti on her side la . education , property , physical appearance and sometimes , yah , mental maturity and semue sifat2 natural tu la . *btw she's very creative

u know , that feeling , bile org mula menyuarakan atau mempersoalkan perbezaan kitorang . aku rase offended , inferior and kadang2 itulah yg menyebabkan aku mempunyai low self-esteem *ye ke?* dan rasa sedih just by having thoughts , "kaknini lagi pandai , belajar medic" "kaknini sentiasa berduit , even mase die ckp takde" or "apehal kaknini ni sentiasa terserempak dgn baju2 on sale ?" haha k yg last tu gebang sikit . because i was always in this state ataupun conversation that require perbandingan kakak-adik ni . and yes, aku mmg jenis yg sngt kisah ttg ape yg org ckp ttg aku . 

trust me u would find loads of things she had that i dont . tapiiiiii tapi tapi tapi , it is very sinful for me to weep over my fate kan . so even bila aku masuk bilik die , bukak closet die ke , bukak purse die ke , somehow motivate aku , supaya bersyukur because i know that , se-tak-bersyukur aku pun dgn ape yg aku ada ni , ade lagi org yg lagi teruk yg mendambakan kehidupan mcm aku . 

so guys, walaupun entry aku ni takla bermotivasi pun , tapi at least u should know , that , org mcm aku ni masih wujud lagi and im trying to fight my negative thoughts yg akn eventually menyebabkan aku sediiih akn perkara yg tak boleh diubah . i  cant change my fate , so by hook or crook i have to live with it .

but since she has everything n i have some ( i wont say nothing ) , if i lose her , i'd probably lose my everything 

assalamualaikum and farewell